Choice

the most important gift we can give ourselves is choice.

we spend so much of our lives telling ourselves what our circumstances are and building a life around what we think we have been given 

that is less than one percent of what choice actually is. what you choose is what chooses you. take for example, i don’t believe what anyone tells me about myself. 

the biggest lie - the lie that will eat up your entire life and distract you from your purpose the most is what people tell you about yourself. i will reference the four agreements here (“Agreement 2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dreams. By not taking it personally, you become immune to needless suffering and the opinions of others”) but i will also share my own testimony.

two years ago, i was in (what felt like) an impossible situation. i knew what i was capable of and yet i was stuck making decisions based on the plans of others, without knowing context or logic. i kept spinning myself in circles with conversations that i knew were getting me nowhere because they weren’t based on any specific value system and would change constantly based on the whims of others. knowledge was used as a weapon - when i didn’t make the popular decision, information was withheld from me as a punishment. i was talking to and working with people who were committed to misunderstanding me.

i knew that what i was doing was much less than what i was capable of and less than i envisioned for myself. i take myself and my life very seriously. my life is very precious. i had to remind myself of that every day: i am very precious to myself. yet, when i think about how i felt about myself during that time, i was constantly worried that i would say something or do something that would make another person uncomfortable. i didn’t think i had a choice. i thought i had to negotiate to get what i wanted and that was all wrong. when you negotiate the things that are most precious to your personhood - you lose everything because you are not honest. you are using your word to hurt your precious self. (agreement 1: Speak with integrity and only say what you mean.)

i told myself that this was my situation and my set of circumstances and that important work had to be done here. but there was so much difficulty, even when having conversations i had to plan out my talking points for how to address each concern to be on “the same page.” i would reflect on choice - where i felt free and where i felt i didn’t have choice. i had to create choice for myself.

i didn’t choose to work with or collaborate with people who couldn’t understand me but i could choose what i would say. i couldn’t have control over how they reacted to my opinions but i had choice around how i would react and how long i would let it affect me. i could create choicefulness on how much i’d share my opinion. i would extend this gift to myself in little ways until i became hungrier for it.

before realizing it, i was giving myself the choice to explore new opportunities. i wrote a list of all the choices i’d rather be making, all the things i’d rather be doing, the conversations i prefer to have.

i had to come to terms with how i had played a huge role in the situation i was in. i made the choice to coddle other people’s emotions over my own. i believed the lie that my choices were limited, that there was a specific path to what i wanted and that i had to play by the rules that were laid out in front of me.

i’ll admit, a big part of it was not recognizing my own power. years later, my incredible coach ebony isis booth impressed upon me that butterflies do not see their wings but other people do. i have a belief deep in my soul that the Divine wouldn’t put a dream in my heart without helping me make it possible. i want to actually make a change in people’s lives, not do a series of mindless activities that make board members feel good about themselves. i don’t want to keep talking to people about their problems without working with them to find a solution. to me, that is the worst possible timeline.

in brief snippets of time and my own memory, i have seen my own wings. i have seen how my choices - when aligned and intention - make a difference. i had the choice to trust that knowing above anyone else’s agenda for my life. i live a life where i actually want to try my best every day. effort isn’t embarassing or cringy because it is me. my choices reflect who i am and i am so precious to me.

every day that i move with my vision for myself, i am closer to the life i want. this practice for me has been cultivated through deep questioning, prayer, journalling and meditation. i regularly put my hands to my heart and ask myself: what do i need to hear? is this feeling familiar? how can i give myself more choice?

typically within minutes i am able to breath through the immense feelings and locate where its coming from. sometimes its me at 7 years old or 18 years old or its me in the present moment. after i locate and hold curiosity, i feel a profound wave of love for myself wash over me and I know it’s the Divine reminding me I am not alone. in that moment, the choice is always clear.

i have never once put my hand to my heart and not known the answer. 

never. the body does not lie and the soul only cares for itself. 

before, i didn’t have this much access to my self and it was forged through practice, practice, practice. anyone that has done any sort of deep searching or spiritual work will tell you its fucking exhausting. while i agree with that in some ways its also incredibly transformational because the more you dig, the amount of energy, time and capacity that you have for your own suffering and the suffering of others is truly infinite.

i allow myself so much more choice, respect, freedom, compassion, time and grace. i feel so grateful to be alive - to be able to move through all the choices i have to make. 

i think that’s the disconnect with so many muslim women and women of color, society tells us that the set of choices and directions that our lives can go looks linear. the path has already been decided and we must just walk that path. people that don’t believe in choice blame women for making the best choices for themselves. that makes me laugh from deep in my belly. the possibilities are endless, healing is nonlinear and the Divine’s story is a much more exciting one. believing you have choice is the first step and opening your heart to choose to be disappointed, to choose to let someone surprise you, to choose to let someone love you. to choose to believe in something beyond what you can explain. to choose yourself. 

the great heartbreak of this human experience is that many people are not precious to themselves. there are likely many reasons for this - i am not interested in trying to understand that. i am more interested in myself and how i can support myself to sharpen my image of myself. when i started this blog, it was an outlet to explore myself and my choices.

i am now in a season of trying new things and forming new beliefs. i don’t believe in keeping the same friendships or holding on to the same frustrations. i want to meet more people that will love me and cherish me. i want to share my gifts and passions with more people and in different ways. i have poured my heart into my half moon love letters and in this new metaphorisis, i am giving myself the gift of trying something new.

this blog helped me face my fears. from hitting send to my first blog post to allowing myself to soak in the sweet praise from my internet friends to re-reading past posts and wondering - what was i thinking? i truly had fun. i was born to write. i knew this when i was in the third grade and writing in my mandatory journal and i know it even more intimately nearly 5 years after starting this blog. i feel so grateful to everyone that has subscribed to this blog and had interest in what i write. this blog was one of many things that i did solely for myself in my twenties. I’ll cherish it forever. while this is not the last blog post - i wanted to share this update with the hope that you’ll look forward to more writing from me. i have exciting projects coming up that i am teeming with joy to share. 

ultimately choice will only ever reward you with more divinely aligned choices. 

choose abundantly. 

choose in alignment with your preciousness.