On Freedom and Power
“you hate the thing trying to free you”
i scribbled it down in my notebook so long ago that i don’t even know what i was referring to but then the earth rotated around the sun a few more times and i didn’t think about it again until today. it smacked me in the face and that cryptic note to myself finally made sense again.
it’s strange how fear sits in the exact same place in my chest no matter how much older i get. i feel seven again, begging my dad not to close the door and leave me in the dark with all these scary thoughts in my head, alone.
though my soul doesn’t know it, i’m not seven anymore. now, i’m tackling fears one by one and the first one is power. i love power. i love control. i love knowing that something is handled and situated and that i don’t need to fear it.
as much as i used to love control, we drifted apart. i let a lot fall to the wayside. it took a lot to commit to the change but, honest to god, i stopped feeding the energy vampire on my back named ‘control’.
i don’t make spreadsheets, i don’t plan trips, i don’t overcurate. i wear whatever the hell i feel like it and i do my laundry when i remember. i let everyone in my life do whatever they want. i love to comment on a train wreck but i don’t interfere. as my lovely down South, country-fried colleague says, those are cows i can’t herd.
long gone are the days of over explaining and over analyzing. i love giving people freedom but even more so, i love giving it to myself. so much more whimsy happens when control is gone and i can just play.
however, power, well, that’s another story. unlike control, power draws me in. i like final decisions and sure things. i like knowing that someone is taking This Matter seriously. i like when someone comes to me and asks for help and i metaphorically put my hand on their shoulder and confirm, you are in the right place and i am here to help. i like equal input and output. i’m not a huge fan of formulas and math but knowledge plus action equals power and it just makes sense.
but then there’s the work of today. the lesson of at least twenty rotations around the sun for me. the giant looming problem of our shared humanity. not to be theatrical or melodramatic but it is the work every single person is avoiding. even myself.
this avoidance isn’t new. it is the work that every single generation before us has categorically avoided—the project of our own power.
i’m not talking about my individual ability to get something done. because please, have you met me? i’m incredible. i can get something done, honey.
that’s exactly the problem. we have all these intelligent, talented, productive people handling the problems and issues in their own lives. whether raising their kids, providing for their families or trying to support themselves, working through all the generally minor but debilitatingly exhausting and monotonous issues is all we ever have energy for. and does anything actually change? or do we all just run into the exact same issues maybe with slight caveats or a reduction in suffering from the previous go-round?
my power tells me exactly what it tells everyone else - all of you deserve more, all of you can be more. we think these things because we are hard wired to care about humanity. my power knows that the small joy i get from changing my insurance company to a cheaper one could be magnified if i could do similar good for another person. the insurance agent knows this because he promises to buy me a coffee if i refer a friend. and suddenly i’m making a mental list of all my friends that own property.
power knocks at my door and i avoid it because it’s too much to come to terms with. because if i have to do that then i give up this life. this life where i feel like small wins are enough. maybe this is why my power is so limited, because it is what i can do alone. i can’t get any group of people to come to a decision. hell, i can’t get my family to agree on a restaurant and that’s just 6 people.
power is the ability to achieve purpose and effect change. both parts of that equation are hard. its not a list of tasks that can be completed. it is not productivity. power is an inspired realization, action and lasting change.
the conditioning is this:
there are so many of us looking around at each other waiting for someone to do something. waiting for someone to use their power not recognizing that one person’s power is simply not enough. everyone pulls away saying, i have kids to raise, i want to see 40, i don’t want to clutter my brain with this nonsense, i want to live no matter how wretched it is here.
so, we don’t even move an inch. we birth another generation, we burn more coal, drop more bombs, steal more, kill more, and we blame it on those that came before us. they were just so backwards back then. they aren’t nearly as decent as we are today. they weren’t as powerful, they didn’t care enough. we care more.
we look at people who have a commanding presence and strong individual power and we say- that’s a great kind of person to be. but the moment it becomes any more than a personal power endeavor, it is abhorrent. when someone with a real strong sense of purpose asks you to walk them to do some work and have some conversations, it gets too hard. too conflicting. too hard. it must be stopped.
you can only be powerful enough to graduate college, take business meetings and advocate a higher salary for your kids schoolteacher. anything else, it’s outside the realm of what’s possible. it’s going to take too long and well, we have to make the most of the 80 years we have. and if we have only 60, well, there’s even less time to waste.
and so here lies the problem:
its so easy to avoid my own power, i do it every day. i think my friends at school taught me, or maybe it was the stuff on tv. it could also be the music i repeat. they use so many words like cringey, embarassing, and strange. i do it to my siblings, they do it to our parents, who do it to our neighbors, who do it to their prospective lovers. everyone belittles everyone else until we don’t speak to each other freely. until we’re so scared that we’re going to mess up that we don’t do anything at all.
power is the one thing trying to free us. every single day it is screaming from the depth of the soul - YOU ARE WORTHY BECAUSE YOU ARE MY CREATION. ALL LIVING BEINGS ARE YOUR SIBLINGS. YOU COME FROM ME - THE SOURCE OF EVERYTHING. YOU WILL RETURN TO ME, SO HAVE FAITH AND FEAR NOT
that little taste of power when i help, when i have a conversation that heals, when i put together a gift that feeds, that is the power of what could be.
so it begs the question, why do we reject power? why do we hide away from the responsibility of taking hold of power? why do we delude ourselves, despite our numbers and our faith and our history that we are not powerful? why do we refuse to welcome the new world, or the composting that is trying to return us to the old world? why do we hate the thing that tries to free us? and will that day come where we hate death more than we love others?
power is in that avoidance. i close my eyes and try to visualize: what is there? where does it sit in the body?
what if we could be curious about that feeling. what if we could all be curious together and explore that voice. it is as scary as it is unfamilar. it seems to be asking for a lot but it is clear. it came from somewhere. it is old. it is both wisdom and medicine. i can choose to change my relationship to power and that would be magical.
yet, i’m scared that if we don’t work together, the earth will continue rotate around the sun and freedom will remain out of reach. even though its right there, sitting on the table, waiting to be claimed. waiting for someone to say: this will not be the way any more. all living beings are siblings, they will not harm one another. this life is but a brief recess from the dirt, so walk humbly, know you are worthy because i am you and you are me. let us be as we once were - generous and brave. let us walk in our power together.
ameen
the inspiration for this piece was a hadith. for those unfamiliar, hadith is the Arabic word for a ‘report’ or an ‘account [of an event]’ and refers to the Islamic oral tradition of anecdotes containing the purported words and actions of the Islamic prophet Muhammad or his immediate circle. muslims typically use these words and actions to guide our own behavior and understanding of how to behave and how to engage with challenges life throws our way. the hadith i was inspired by is below.
The Messenger (peace be upon him) explained the conditions of the nation when it loses the power of faith.
The Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “The nations are about to call each other and set upon you, just as eaters set upon food.”
It was said: “Will it be because of our small number that day?”
He said: “Rather, on that day you will be many, but you will be like foam, like the foam on the river. And Allah will remove the fear of you from the hearts of your enemies and will throw wahn (weakness) into your hearts.”
Someone said: “O Messenger of Allah! What is Wahn?”
He said: “Love of the world and the hatred for death.”